You think YOUR life is like Jerry Springer?!?!

Ok, I have had enough and have to vent. I figure none of you people know me anyway, so what do I care what you all think about me?

My heart is heavy and I can not even blog this in my everyday journal due to not wanting all my local friends to know what lies beneath the calm and cool exterior.

My husband has 2 girlfriends, both of whom are lesbians married to each other, one of whom I was engaged to marry at one point and is to this date, my longest long term relationship and still my best friend. She is now pregnant with his child (planned) and I am supposed to be nothing but elated. Why did I allow this in the first place, you ask? I must be stupid, right? Well, I have a much different philosophy on relationships than most. I have not a jealous bone in my body and have always been willing to share my loves with others. So when my husband fell for my best friend and her wife (who is his best friend), it was very comfortable for me. Unfortunately, they chose him to be their sperm donor before this all happened. Now the entire thing has morphed into an entirely new entity with him all excited to be a father, and them wanting me to be a part of raising the child as well. Yes, we are all open to a poly lifestyle. And if you want to tell me how we are all going to rot in hell, don't waste your time. God's supposed approval is not needed here, thank you very much.....

Anyway, what I am getting at here is that I do not think I am ready for this. I never wanted children. My husband and myself agreed upon that before we married, yet now we are changing our entire lives around to fit around a child. A child that is not even mine. I do not want that child to come into this world feeling me resent him or her. I have 9 months to figure out what in the world I am going to do to either leave or be ok with this.

And all of this on top of my husband finally agreeing to allow me to have a relationship outside of the marriage, which I need desperately. I was so happy to finally have the freedom I needed to feel whole again, much as he has done with his relationships and his new path into fatherhood. I thought everything would be perfect. I know better. Nothing is ever easy, and I honestly did not expect this to be easy, but at the same time I never thought he would grant me permission then bar my every step to get where I need to be. He has TWO other people AND a baby on the way, yet somehow he feels threatened by one person who he knows has no intention whatsoever of taking me from him.

So, yeah....How is that for some Jerry Springer shit?

I constantly wonder how in the world I got to where I am today, and wonder if I would be better off leaving and starting all over, finding an open poly minded male or female to be with. I would be happy with a guy that shared my passions, and would also allow me to have a girlfriend. I have never found a girl to allow me to have a guy, so that doesn't seem like a realistic answer either. I do not know what I will do. For now, I am pretty much crawling inside my shell and doing what it takes to make sure he is happy while I wither like a flower without sunshine.........

Next week on Springer: "That's my baby's daddy's wife, who is my ex girlfriend....."